come when you should

come when you should. all this will have been
passing through me for you to breathe.
i have gazed at it for so long, for your sake,
namelessly, with the gaze of poverty,
and have loved it, as if already you drank it in.

and yet: when i recall that all this—
myself, stars, flowers, and the sharp flight
of a bird out of gesturing brushwood,
the clouds’ haughtiness and what the wind
could do to me at night, whisking me
out of one being into a next,—that all this,
in endless succession (for i am all this,
am what the potion’s roar left behind
in my ear, am that exquisite taste which once
a ripe fruit expended on my lips),—
that all this, when once you’re really here,
all, even back to the boy’s low gaze
into the chalices of high-grown flower fields,
even back to one of my mother’s smiles
which i perhaps, thronged with your being,
shall think of as something stolen—, that all this
i then shall have to inexhaustibly outgive,
night and day, so much unsparingly
assimilated nature—, never knowing if what
begins to glow in you is mine: perhaps
you’ll grow more beautiful entirely from your own beauty,
from the profusion of restedness in your limbs,
from what is sweetest in your blood,—for all i know,
because there is awareness even in your hand,
because your hair flatters your shoulders,
because something in the dark breeze
is one with you, because you forget me totally,
because you don’t strain to hear, because you are a woman:
when i recall how i’ve dipped tenderness
into blood, into that never startled
soundless heartblood of things so loved.

rainer maria rilke

and then one day after being fucked up for months i realized something. i didn’t know her. she didn’t know me. just because i tasted her cum and spit or could tell you her middle name or knew a record she liked, that doesn’t mean anything. that’s not a connection. anyone can have that. really knowing someone is something else. it’s a completely different thing and when it happens you won’t be able to miss it. you will be aware. and you won’t hurt or be afraid.
adam, girls